o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
