I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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