What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
3pm strippers are depressing
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
