my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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