Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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