Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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