I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
