"it" just moved
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
