i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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