you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
