Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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