I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
