Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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