I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He uses pillows to masturbate.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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