The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
