It's Friday. Sex?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
