Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
