guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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