Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
