i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
