i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
