While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
