All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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