I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Randomize
