My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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