Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
