my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
