remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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