nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
