you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize