I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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