soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
