If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
