I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
