i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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