He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize