at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
