Umm I'm too high to move.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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