Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
