I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Green mimosas i think yes
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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