I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
