best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
