There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
