But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
