I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
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