does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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