This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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