Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
