dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
