You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
