Everything about him screamed your future.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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