he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
