I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Randomize
