Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
pray to the hookup gods
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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