i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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