I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
