How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
